yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
