Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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