pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
