apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
