Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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