Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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