Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
