Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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