my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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