WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Enjoy the penises
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
