Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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