I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
