my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
there is glitter all over my balls
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
