Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
