Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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