Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
