Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i barfeds in our rink
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH