I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
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