I can tuck mytits in my pants
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
