my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
