Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
