So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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