i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Help. Why am I so naked?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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