you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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