can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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