Capitaan dildo arrescate!
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
