God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
