yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
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As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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