I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
