i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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