Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
