You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
