I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize