john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
