Taylor Swift is so right about you.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Randomize
