I need to stop coming to work sober
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
