just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Rumble strips road head = magical
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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