i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You are a genius and a whore.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
