I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
