i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
