My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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