Umm I'm too high to move.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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