He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
