Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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