Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now