Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
