3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
