shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
