At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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