I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
