that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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