we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
