Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
