Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
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I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
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i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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