you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
i need some magic done to my vagina
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
