My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
