Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
