Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
