Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
